This week I’m turning 40. It seems on big birthdays people become reflective, and when you’re already prone to living too much in your head, then you begin to reflect on being reflective long before you actually sit down and put words to paper.

In January there was a “lessons learned” Twitter thread that went viral by a woman turning 40. When I saw it, the first thing I thought was, “Ugh, I’m such a cliche. I wanted to write a list like that.” Yes, I was actually disappointed that a stranger on the internet had the same idea that was swirling around in my brain. As if the idea is brilliant or new or different. As if the internet wasn’t a place where everyone puts a new spin on an old thing every single day. It confronted me with one of the greatest lies I’ve had to name and fight in my 30s: I am not all that extraordinary or unique.

But, once I realized that, I knew I had two different “lessons learned lists” going through my head.

Here’s the first modified list, to remind me that “The Tired Thirties” were, in fact, quite tiring.

In my thirties I learned how to…

…clean a swimsuit properly

…effectively use Magic eraser

…clean up barf from cars, beds, and down my clothes

…embrace and take care of my naturally wavy hair

… surf, sort of

…keep a Christmas tree alive, sort of

…be a vegetarian, sort of

…go to counseling

…change a diaper in an airplane bathroom

…enjoy hiking

…drive a minivan, and how to steer it off the freeway when the engine blows up

…treat asthma and cancer

…pick a speech therapist

…walk out on said speech therapist when she was mean

…make my own cinnamon rolls and sourdough

…get an entire dryer’s worth of melted crayon out of clothing

…address sensory processing disorder

…keep plants and a dog alive

This list contains some hard earned lessons. Some of them, I wish I’d learned sooner. (Others, I wish I could have outsourced! Ha!) The learning curve of my 30s was WILD. I think that’s the case for many people, particularly women. I started this decade with a newborn and a husband in the middle of cancer treatment. We moved three times. We added two more kids. I started and quit a lot of different jobs. We experienced cancer again with our son. And then a pandemic. We never took the fancy European trip we kept attempting to take. I put a lot of my dreams on hold or gave them up all together. This decade was brutal and beautiful. I LOVED IT and I’m so glad it’s over.

The list that will really stay with me though, is this one:

**In my thirties, I learned how to be…**

A women who relinquishes the right to answers

"God has never promised to explain himself, but he has promised to stay near. I will never leave, he says; I will never forsake. I am the friend that sticks closer than your brother. Do not think me unmoved by your grief.” —Jen Pollock Michel

A woman who knows how to receive help, and what it looks like.

“The line between pity and empathy is razor thin. My general rule to differentiate between the two is that empathy stems from listening to another person’s perspective and reacting accordingly. Pity, however, assumes.” —Amy Webb, for Cup of Jo

A woman who absolutely loves the Bible…but isn’t afraid to embrace that my God can be mysterious.

“If it fits in a spoon it can’t be the ocean.” —Puritan thinker

A woman who doesn’t just treat the symptoms…

“We can either choose a posture or kindness or we will inevitably go to a posture of self contempt about whatever we struggle with. The gospel invites us to questions with regard to how our problems came to be.” — Jay Stringer

…but who also pays attention to my tears.

“Logic is not superior to emotion. Both are allowed a seat at the table. Neither are allowed to rule alone.” —Emily Freeman

A woman who doesn’t need to be everyone’s favorite (but who admits that it’s still very tempting!)

"You don’t need everyone to love you, just a few good people.” —The Greatest Showman

A woman who believes that personality tests and counseling aren’t navel gazing–they are part of transformation into a person who looks more like Jesus.

“There is no deep knowing of God without a deep knowing of self and no deep knowing of self without a deep knowing of God.” —John Calvin

A woman who isn’t afraid to step away from what she’s been building, in order to let God build something new in her.

"The artist knows he must be alone to create; the writer, to work out his thoughts, to compose; the saint, to pray. But women need solitude in order to find again the true essence of themselves: that firm strand which will be the indispensable center of a whole web of human relationships.’’ –Anne Morrow Lindbergh, Gift from the Sea

“We have to let Jesus do a work in us, before he can do a work through us. –John Mark Comer, Love in Way that Begs the Question

A woman who is learning that the idol of extraordinary can prevent noticing the invitation in front of me.

“Jo, you have so many extraordinary gifts. How can you expect to live an ordinary life?” -Marmi in Little Women

The obviously well kept secret of the “ordinary” is that it is made to be a receptacle of the divine, a place where the life of God flows. —Dallas Willard

A woman who is seen, known and loved by God.

“To define yourself as one radically beloved by God is the most important assignment… it’s not enough to believe it existentially, but to believe it in your bones.” –Keas Keasler

Photo by American Heritage Chocolate on Unsplash